I Busted My Cooter

LET’S REVISIT MY PAINFUL MOMENT

Since some of you didn’t know me at the time of my most painful moment and some of you didn’t have a myspace at the time so you didn’t get to read it, I decided I would kind of rewrite it and this time illustrate it with actual pictures from the dreadful day.

I had decided to change the curtains in my room. I sleep on a daybed and have a microwave cart next to it for a table. I have those humongous wicker blinds that cover at least 3 windows each. My room is surrounded by 9 windows that are basically open to the public to view whatever is going on in my room. Needless to say, nothing ever happens in my room that I wouldn’t want to share with my neighbors.

I had bought a pull down curtain to hang behind the head of the bed. I must have been anticipating romance somewhere in my future and wanted to make sure I could have some privacy if I did needed it. Much of removing the wicker blinds required standing on the frame of the daybed and the microwave cart.

I succeeded in getting the pull down shade finished and was attempting to put those damn heavy ass wicker blinds back, when a cat decided to get an attitude and I had to get down and let him out.

“Damn it! I’m busy over here trying to be productive and I don’t have time for your attitude. Tear your ass outside and behave,” I screamed as I got down and let him out then proceeded back to the microwave cart. I don’t know if you have ever hung wicker blinds before, but they have a hook on the top of the damn things where you have to turn it to get that onto the hook in the wall all the while holding up what seemed like 20 lbs of wicker blinds. I almost had it in the hook when I heard a crack.

The microwave cart had broken and straight down I went right onto the edge of the wall left standing just to the right of my hoo hoo.

I landed on the floor in anguishing pain like I had never experienced before. I kept thinking my roommate was going to come in and see what that horrible crashing noise was but no one came. I finally pulled myself up off the floor and saw her outside. She definitely wasn’t coming to my aid. I looked over and one of my cats was making fun of me.

I hobbled to the bathroom and pulled down my shorts to find my underwear covered in blood. I gasped at the horror. “Oh, my God, I’ve created another vagina and I didn’t want the first one.” No, that isn’t what I thought, well not then anyway. That thought came much later.

My roommate was about to be picked up by someone and leaving for Dallas so she couldn’t take me to the emergency room to I hobbled outside with paper towels and holding them to my bleeding crotch. I hollered at my neighbor who came running and was more than happy to rush me to the emergency room.

They got me in pretty quickly since I was bleeding from a crucial area, but it was very close to my most embarrassing moment having to drop my drawers and shove my bleeding crotch in the Dr’s face. Having no insurance (do to our damn job loss) may have made a difference in the treatment I received. He tried to tell me it was just a scratch. I HAD A BLOODY GAPING HOLE IN MY CROTCH AREA, YOU MORON. Scratch, my ass. Then he said it had almost stopped bleeding so he wasn’t going to stitch it. No x-ray, no stitches. Just some ointment and a tetanus shot. Weren’t those for being pricked with a rusty nail?

Back home, my neighbor came in and finished hanging the curtains. I noticed they were broken from the fall as I was hanging onto them when I fell.

Today, the curtains are hanging

And I’m all healed.

I just knew they would make a priceless Mastercard commercial out of it.

Curtains: $10.00

Microwave cart: $40.00

Creating a new vagina after the microwave cart broke while hanging the curtains: priceless

For everyone else, there’s Mastercard….to purchase a ladder.